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Do you want this baby?

I looked back at my counsellor, shocked at the question.

We’d just spent nearly an hour of the initial visit talking about my life, my struggles, goals – the typical first intake topics.

But it didn’t take long for her to realize what was really going on.

I had suffered from postpartum depression for six months after my first son, nine months after my daughter, and with my third, it started about a month into the pregnancy.

I was about three months in, so sick I spent most of my time on the couch, and more depressed than I had ever been in my life. And I blamed the baby.

I hadn’t dared to admit I didn’t want him. As a Christian, I had always been taught that babies were a blessing from the Lord to be cherished and excited about – a part of God’s plan.

But as someone terribly depressed, I was struggling to see the joy and blessing in my present circumstance.

People kept saying, “It will be worth it!”. And while I agreed with them outwardly, I kept asking, “When?” in my head.

Yet until this very moment, I had not been able to fully admit that perhaps I didn’t want this. Maybe this was derailing my life and I was scared.

In that initial meeting, Shirley gave me the permission to admit that for the first time, and it was the beginning of an incredible journey for me.

I wouldn’t say that I have arrived, or that I’m anywhere close, but I like to think that this experience has taught me more than a self-help book ever will.

I firmly believe that God allows you to go through things so that you can grow and then in turn help others.

Because of this, I live my life never wanting to waste an experience – no matter how uncomfortable it can be.

I am always asking, “Okay God, what are you teaching me? How can I use this to help people and better yet, further your Kingdom?”.

I’ve been praying about sharing my journey on a platform such as this for the past six months, and I’ve finally decided to dive in.

So here I am, all of me, the funny parts, the uncomfortable ones and lots of the mundane. Take what you need, leave the rest for someone else.

We’ve all got something to learn, and we’ve all got something to give!

Until next time.

Rebecca

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